i officially hate breastfeeding.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Actually, Cam hates it and therefore I hate it. Bad latch, sore nipples, not enough milk so he's WAY more fussy. Our routine has totally been thrown off and I'm so done. The lactation consultant came again today (different lady though and she was more of a purist and kind of a bitch) and it was awful. I should have known. When I talked to her on the phone I already got a bad vibe from her -- a very breastfeeding purist, judgmental vibe -- but I wanted help sooner rather than later so she came over. Bad move. Camden was fussier than ever screaming at the top of his lungs every time we tried to get him to the boob. Worse than he's been the last few days. She made things worse being the way she is even if she tried to sugar coat it with fake niceness. I started crying cause I was already overwhelmed from this breastfeeding week of hell.

It really has been a rough week. This sudden effort to breastfeed has thrown a huge wrench into things. One day I'd be optimistic about it cause he'd have a good feed and be content. But most days, he was just fussier and it was much harder. He seemed unhappy and I felt horrible cause he was crying more.

I told myself I'd give it a solid week and see if it got better. Clearly, that is not the case! I've decided it really isn't worth it. We were doing just fine with pumping and formula. He was happier and I was happier.

Breastfeeding just isn't for some babies. And Camden is definitely one of them!

do you believe in magic?

Unbelievable. They say to keep trying, he'll eventually get it...blah, blah, blah. After all my breastfeeding woes, Camden had now been fed pretty much solely by the boob for the last day and half. Last Friday, the day after his 1-month bday, he seemed interested in the boob when I was cradling him so I offered it up and BAM! Latch.

The next night, same thing. He seemed interested, I offered it and he latched again! So weird. Sunday, same thing. He latched once but when I tried to offer it at other times during the day, he wasn't having it.

Yesterday, it was seriously like magic. I have no other explanation for it! I decided to try and get him on the boob for his morning feeding and he took it! It was a little hard cause he didn't seem to be getting enough milk with each feeding (he falls asleep and doesn't always latch well so I have to take him off and put him back on) so he'd fuss and I pretty much fed him from 10am-4pm straight. It sure felt like it anyway! He'd feed, then sleep for 20 minutes, then fuss. He'd feed, be content for 15 minutes then fuss. This went on for hours! At one point I gave him 2 oz of formula from the bottle cause he just didn't seem satisfied. Finally at 4pm, he went to sleep for 2-3 hours. Right when Brian got home! Lucky daddy.

Then I needed a break so I went to yoga at 7:30pm. Brian stayed home with Camden, gave him a bath and put him down. When I got home a little before 9pm, Cam was fussing. He had been bottle fed at 7pm and seemed hungry. So, I took him into his room and offered up the boob. Success, yet again! He then went to sleep. He woke up at 11pm and I breastfed him again. He took the left AND right, no problem! Amazing. He even had too much cause he spit some up at the end of his feeding. Then he went down and slept until 3:45am! Almost 5 hours!

I've pretty much been breastfeeding him at every feeding now. He got one bottle at 7am just because I was too tired to try and my nipples are starting to hurt (yes, TMI. sorry).

It's tough though because I think he's still figuring it out. Same fussiness today -- I pretty much fed him every hour since 9:30am. He FINALLY seemed content at about 1:30pm and has been sleeping since about 2:30pm.

I'm hoping it will just take this week for us both to get used to this new routine (and I'm crossing my fingers that I don't have any additional breastfeeding issues!) and then maybe he'll solely be a breastfed baby moving forward? Ah! I don't wanna jinx it! But Brian and I are just in awe. We have no idea how this happened. Maybe he just needed time to mature and get his sucking organized? I have no clue.

It's magic I tell you, magic.

happy 1-month day!

Last Thursday, Camden turned one month old! After his bath he was nice and subdued, so we propped him up on the couch for this picture. It took us many tries to take one that got him semi-looking at the camera and not making crazy eyes or furrowing his brow (his favorite thing to do!). This is as close as we got.

Mommy and daddy sang him happy one-month day! And then proceeded to gobble down the carrot cake that was almost as big as his head.

lilah and camden

This past Wednesday, I ventured all the way out to Kirkland by myself with baby. This was an accomplishment for me as the furthest I've gone alone (not counting his circ downtown which was a necessity), has been within a 7 mile radius of my house. I'm slowly building up the courage to take the baby out more. This trip, we visited Shaana and Lilah. Lilah is almost 6 months and was very interested in Camden! These two could easily be buddies. :)

random latching

Both last night and tonight, Camden seemed interested in the boob. So, I gave him the opportunity to latch on the left and he did! He fed for about 15 minutes last night (then was given the bottle cause I'm sure he's not getting all he needs from me. Plus, he was half falling asleep throughout the 15 minutes) and tonight we gave him a bottle and he still seemed hungry so I offered him the boob and he went another 10 minutes. SO RANDOM. No fussing, no fighting, just boom! Latch to the boob.

Both nights after the left feeding, I tried the right side to see what he'd do. He tries to get on it but can't. Partly maybe because he's full, but also I think he just really does not like the right boob. It's harder for him to latch to the right (always has been) so I'm pumping the right side at the moment to even it out. I'm not complaining though cause at least he's going to left once in awhile!

I still don't think he'll solely breastfeed. But I might start offering the boob again at every feeding and see how he reacts. Crazy kid.

hotslings, I think i love you.

A few days ago, Jo gave me this baby carrier sling. Yesterday, I needed to get ready to take Cam out to visit a friend. So, I put him in this sling and did my makeup with him attached to me. Wow, convenient.

Today, he wasn't having the sling for the early part of the day. Rats! Maybe this isn't as great as I thought. But then around 4:30pm I really wanted to cook dinner. He was relatively calm so I tried it again. In he went and what's this? He's pretty content! Started dinner and about a half hour into it, he fell asleep in the sling. Nice.

I cooked an entire dinner with Camden attached to me! I must say, I'm quite pleased with myself and with him. It was an easy meal (stove top chicken...baking so not anything that could splash on the stove), but exponentially more difficult with baby attached to me. But still, I made dinner!

Hostlings, I think I love you.

nope, no sleeping!

Last night, I decided to try something new. While Camden is still too young to "sleep through the night" (apparently, 5 hours straight can be considered sleeping through!) I wanted to see if we could start guiding his schedule a bit. Cam's on a pretty regular 2-3 hour eating schedule but whether or not he sleeps in between those feedings vary. Recently, he's awake more in the day and has been going back to sleep pretty easy after feedings at night. Well, he has for the last 3 nights anyway! (knock on wood)

Consistently though, he wants to sleep after his 6pm feeding and is up after his 9ish. This means we have to stay up with him until around 11pm or so. However, we're tired by 9:30pm so I thought I'd try and break this habit. After I fed him at 6:30 tonight, I decided to keep Camden up. He fussed a little but I kept telling him, "I don't care if you cry. Go ahead! You have to stay up!" And interestingly, that kept him from crying. I sat in front of the computer and played him songs off of itunes. I sang along with them so he could be more engaged to keep him awake.

Then when Brian came home, he got in on the action. Here's a little Temptations in an attempt to keep Camden awake from 7-8pm!



Then, at 8pm we gave Cam a bath. In his sleeper after that, 8:30pm feeding, and off to bed! This kid was dead tired by that time. He fussed a little after feeding but then was out like a light. He woke up to eat again at about 11:30pm and seemed a bit extra fussy with his pre-feed diaper change. Hm. But then went down pretty quick after his feeding.

He then slept from midnight until 3:45am. Still, pretty normal...maybe stretching it a little longer but not too much. Again, more fussy with diaper change but then after feeding went down quick again.

I'll have to see how he is tomorrow. I'm hoping he continues to stay up more during the day and really gets to know day from night. Hopefully this will help him get on a good sleep schedule in the next couple of months! Stay tuned...

tummy time!

Cam has a love/hate relationship with tummy time. But his neck's getting stronger and he's trying to roll over! (Doesn't that just make him sound like a dog?)

water conservation? bah! i prefer a calm baby.

Early on, I noticed that Camden likes his "white noise." This is common for many newborns who are so used to the wooshing and shushing they hear in the womb. When they get out, they're literally like, "What is all this quiet about?"

After certain feedings (the 2am one is his favorite!) Cam tends to be a little fussy. His diaper's been changed, he just ate and he's swaddled yet he's crying about something! I think he's tired but is fighting going to sleep. Why do I think this? Cause I take him in to the bathroom, turn on the faucet and within 30 seconds this kid is OUT. He instantly calms down, closes his eyes and goes to sleep. Whether or not he stays asleep after I turn the water off and leave the bathroom is anyone's guess, but more often than not the water at least will calm him down.

Our water bill this month is going to sky rocket! Sometimes I feel so bad running the water for a couple of minutes -- like I'm ruining the planet or something by wasting water. Then I remember, it's not a waste because it keeps Camden and mommy happy. Conservation smonservation!

mad face, happy face

These were taken a few days ago. See what I mean? Doesn't he look bigger? Especially his head!


Waaaaaahhhh!!!


Almost a smile. :)

my 1st photo shoot

Brian's co-worker came over to take these pics of Cam when he was about 2 weeks old. Looking at them now, I can't believe how much he's grown since then!!

Kudos and a huge thank you to Ben! These photos rock.

burning mommy questions

As a first-time mommy, new questions pop up every day about baby/mommyhood. But there are some that cross my mind more than others. They are burning questions that feel like they will forever be lit.

1. Will Camden have a misshapen head or a mold of my fingers indented from holding the back of his head so much? It sure seems like it sometimes.

2. How in the world does it work that when his diaper leaks, the front of his outfit is fine but his entire back is soaked? I get that gravity plays a part here, but really...this makes no sense!

3. In that same vain, how do I put Cam's diaper on perfectly so that it won't leak? Diapering is an art. Seriously.

4. Am I feeding Cam too much? Too little? The doc says that if you overfeed he'll just spit it up. But babies spit up all the time. What's normal spit up vs. "you're making me too fat" spit up?

5. Can he tell the difference between breast milk and formula? I would think so, but he sure doesn't seem to care one way or the other...

6. Does pumping burn the same amount of calories as breastfeeding? I sure hope so!

7. Are my knees going to be permanently damaged from all this bouncing of the baby? Either they are weak from me not working out for 7 months or this baby is going to give me major knee problems. Or, I'm just plain old.

8. Will my hands ever stop being swollen? I still cannot put on my wedding ring. :(

9. Does Camden have nightmares? And if so, what are they about? Sometimes he whines or cries out while sleeping for 2-3 seconds but then immediately goes right back to sleep. This is the only explanation I can come up with.

10. Does Cam REALLY know that I'm mommy and Brian's daddy? Everyone will tell you, yes! Of course he does! Sometimes, I'm not convinced.

It's too bad Camden can't talk yet! I'd love to know the answer to some of these.

Camden, Cam, Bubba, Bubster

This kid is not going to know what his name is. Since Camden's been in the womb, we got into the habit of calling him "bubba." We didn't have a name 100% picked out yet and we had to refer to him and something. It started out as "buddy" and morphed into "bubba." Now out of the womb, we definitely call him Camden and Cam a lot, but bubba also comes out once in awhile. Brian has also taken to calling him bubster, which is kinda cute!

I'm sure a nickname will form on its own later on in life, but for now these names work for us! He is our little bub. I don't know why, but it fits. :)

it's 8:30pm and i hurt.

Every night at 8:30, my entire body hurts. My shoulders, my biceps, my legs, even my hands and fingers -- they ache. I think it's a combination of 'hitting the wall' at 8:30 and also just fatigue from carrying and caring for Cam all day long. But without fail, the aching sets in at night and all I want to do is go to sleep!

Some nights we get lucky and Camden goes to sleep after his 9ish feeding. Assuming we don't have other things to do around the house, we are in bed by 9:30. ha. That cracks me up. I haven't gone to bed at 9:30 since I was in elementary school. But now as a parent, 9:30 sounds late.

Most nights though, there are things to do: pump, clean the dishes, take a shower, watch one of our shows that are piling up in our dvr (this is rare!). So we end up not going to bed until 11:00pm. But by that time, Cam needs to eat again so basically we're not sleeping until midnight.

I'm hoping we can figure out a routine that gets us to bed earlier though. We're trying!

motherhood is about planning and multi-tasking.

That is today's revelation. Not profound by any means, but today was my first real day all on my own with zero help. And it was a good test because I had to put real clothes and get Cam ready and out the door for his circumcision in the afternoon. I'm still figuring out my daily routine, but I'm starting to get into a nice groove. Here's how my schedule went today:

1:45am - 2:45am -- Change diaper, feed baby, swaddle baby, soothe baby (many nights, this takes awhile! He's fussy at this feeding a lot of times. Sometimes I have to soothe him for 30 min to an hour), pump (As I'm doing now! This is my 1-2am daily routine. I also use the time I have to pump at this hour to write blog posts), clean pump accessories and feeding bottle, store breast milk, prepare water/milk for Brian's next feeding.

4:30am -- Brian changes diaper, feeds baby, swaddles baby, soothes baby back to sleep and prepares water/milk and pumping equipment for my next feeding. Then he goes to work.

7:15am -- Sometimes if I'm not too tired, I get up and pump. Since I'm on my own, I need to pump at every chance I get and of course when baby's sleeping it's the best time. Who knows how he'll be AFTER this feeding. So, I try to do 10 mins here.

7:45am-8:45am -- Change diaper, feed baby, swaddle baby, soothe baby, pump again for another 10 minutes. Longer if I missed the above pump. Clean pump stuff and feeding bottle. Go back to sleep!! This has been key. Sleeping this extra hour or so saves me.

10:00am -- Anticipate that baby will probably need to be fed around 10:45. Change clothes, get ready, put on makeup (makeup!) all while pumping. Rush downstairs to clean pumping accessories, make formula and quickly get back upstairs before baby sets off his "cry alarm." Success!

10:45am -- Change diaper, feed baby (do you see a pattern here??), swaddle baby. After this feeding Cam is usually up. Go downstairs, put baby down in Pack 'n Play. I've been experimenting with what to do with him at this point in the day. On other days, I don't wake up before he does to pump so I try to pump at this point while making breakfast. When my folks were here, I'd hand him off to one of them to hold. No such back up anymore. So, I've been putting him down and running the mobile that plays music above him to keep him distracted. Then, I hurry to eat some cereal, down my fenugreek and other supplements with some OJ and as of today, make coffee.

10:55am -- Camden has been a good boy (the last two days anyway!) and doesn't fuss too much for these 10 minutes. I go get him and take him to the living room.

10:55-12:00pm -- Unswaddle baby. Cam's been consistently up for about an hour at this time of day. I've been doing some "tummy time" and hanging out with him here. Put him on his tummy to strengthen his neck. He's getting better at it! Then, he starts to get a little fussy cause he gets tired. Rock baby to sleep. Once asleep, I put him in his jumper. Right now, he hates being in that thing otherwise.

12:00-12:50pm -- Get all his stuff ready for our day out. Put formula and water in diaper bag, make sure I have extra diapers, burp cloth, swaddle blanket, wipes, tylenol drops (for after circ), circ forms and a bunch of other stuff that I can't recall at the moment. Do all this while pumping. Then clean pumping accessories, bottles, etc. Sigh.

12:50pm -- Cam starts stirring. Perfect! Diaper change, feed and dress him to go outside.

1:15pm -- Get him in car seat and we're off!

2:00pm -- Pick Brian up at work.

2:15pm -- Arrive at Swedish for circumcision. On time and everything!

From here on out it was back to a tag team effort with Brian. Thank goodness. I seriously do not think I could do this all on my own. I am thankful for my husband every day.

But I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself. Like I said, today is the first day I really felt like a mom. :)

Yes, I can do this.

Today is the first day that I really felt like a mom. Yesterday and today have been good days in the sense that I feel more in control of my life with baby. Partly, I think my hormones have leveled off, partly I've been talking to my girlfriends more (and have been reassured that they too cried every day with their kids and felt crazy and went though the exact same feelings I'm going through), and I've also been taking a little more time for myself, which is huge.

I'm still tired and it's still hard, but I feel more normal. I'm also pissed at all those moms out there who say things like, "Oh, you'll love every moment!" Really?? That is a load of crap. There is no way that you loved trying to soothe your baby at 2am when you're dead tired and he's crying his little head off. Do you love your child every moment? Yes. But you do NOT love every moment with child. Sometimes you think, "What the heck did I get myself into?" And then you feel guilty about thinking such things. And then you feel like you're a bad mom. And then you cry.

That is the realistic cycle of things. So those moms who keep spreading this lie of "it's all so wonderful!" to unsuspecting moms-to-be...STOP IT! Thank you.

like father, like son

Oh, man. This kid is screwed.

i. am. not crazy....am i?

Day 20 and motherhood is still a major adjustment. I'm sort of getting used to the lack of sleep and have even started to be able to block out some of the crying. (I've found you sort of need to be immune to it to some extent) But while I'm not weepy every day anymore, it still hits on occasion. Today was a bad one. I'm not sure what set it off -- a bunch of little things compounding, I suppose. The ever popular sleep abyss, more fussiness on Camden's part (apparently this is common around his age), Brian working a lot, me hardly ever leaving this damn house, the incessant pumping, and my clothes, shoes and wedding ring not fitting me yet -- it can all just be too much at times. So I'm upset and I cry, and Brian wants to help but can't so we get annoyed with each other and have a bad day. I mean, he's tired too and he wants to "fix the problem" (typical guy response) while I want him to listen to me and be supportive (typical girl desire) which ultimately ends in a fight.

I know the hormones are exacerbating my feelings and crazy talk, but that's an intangible thing. So in the end, you do just feel plain 'ole crazy. From what I can gather, almost all mothers go through something like this. The problem is nobody ever TALKS about it. I suppose it's embarrassing or maybe moms just want to block the first 2 weeks out of their memories. I can relate to both. But I think it's a disservice to all future mothers out there to not talk about it. Moms-to-be, be prepared!!

Life after baby is hard. Damn hard.

babies should come with night vision goggles

Midnight feedings, diaper changes, swaddles, cuddles, pumping and getting downstairs to wash bottles...all of this is pretty much done in the dark. Night lights help for sure, but a combination of fear of waking baby up (most directly related to the swaddles and cuddles) and plain old exhaustion means you can barely see the hands in front of your face as you attempt the above said tasks. My eyesight must be deteriorating by the millisecond as I strain to see through the blackness every night. Brian has made a similar comment which made me think that along with the "baby owners manual" we all talk about, it's too bad baby also doesn't come with night vision goggles.

goldilocks and the one baby

It's a constant challenge to try and keep Camden at a perfect temperature. With Fall upon us in Seattle, the days are in the 60s and the nights have been dropping to the 30s. Pre-baby, we would have kept the heat off until a little later in the year and just bundled up in sweaters (central heating costs money!) but post-baby the heat has been set to 71 degrees in the day and 60 at night for the last 2 weeks.

But even with that, Cam sometimes seems too hot or too cold and all we want is for him to be just right. In the day, we dress him in onesies with a long sleeved top over it (or just a long sleeved onesie) and socks to keep his feet warm. The thought is to help him understand day from night by only putting him in snuggly sleepers at night, you know, when it's sleepy time. He's carried for part of the day or in blankets to keep warm anyway. Plus, what's the point of having all these onesies if we don't use them?

At night, he's in a sleeper and swaddled. But lately, that doesn't seem to be enough. I hear him in his bassinet with a quivering kind of breathing like he's shivering. Sometimes I even see him shiver and am sure he's cold. This usually happens when I'm changing his diaper or clothes. It's actually kinda cute! He puts his hands in fists in front of his chest, elbows down, and kind of shakes his hands and arms back and forth. Poor guy. Last night, I could hear him fuss and couldn't sleep cause I thought he was cold. "I should have double swaddled him," I thought. But he was fussy after his 1:30am feeding (as per usual) and getting him in one swaddle before he cried bloody murder was hard enough. So, I got up and went into the baby room where we have a space heater. We bought one a week ago to put in there for midnight feedings. I unplugged it, carried it to our bedroom, set it up and voila! Warmer room and hopefully happier baby.

At other times though, Camden seems too hot. When my parents were here, my dad loved to hold the baby and cover him in multiple blankets. The Hawaii folk that they are, they thought it was extra cold in Seattle and therefore the baby must be freezing. But double blankets plus body heat = one hot, seemingly even sweaty baby. He'd be all red and warm and I started googling whether or not you can overheat a baby. Apparently, it'd be quite difficult unless you've been baking in the blazing sun for awhile, but possible. I stand by my neurotic web search as still valid.

I swear, I feel like Goldilocks trying to regulate the perfect baby temperature. All I need is some porridge.

wipes, wipes and more wipes

Good thing we bought that Costco Kirkland pack of baby wipes. Not only do we change 10+ diapers a day, but we reach for those wipes like they're going out of style. I'm not sure why. I think partly we worry that if the wipe is too dirty we'll give the little man an infection if we continue to touch him with the same one. Or maybe we just don't want to accidentally have any poop come in direct contact with our hands so we wipe once or twice, toss and reach for another wipe.

Whatever it is, we have already gone through 3 packs of 100 wipes! Oh well. At least Camden's got a clean bottom.

happy birthday, daddy!

B's 31st birthday was yesterday. Peeps over for steak, mom's mac salad, chicken, Coco's carrot cake and baskin and robbins ice cream cake. Yum.

Camden was awake toward the end of the evening so he got in some good time with his uncles and aunties. Aunty Kainoa's birthday is today so we celebrated both. Great to see everyone! Thanks for coming over.





happy birthday to you both!



the gang



i actually like the candid better.



awwww, aunty kainoa. :)



grandma and grandpa

don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

While there have been challenges, there are wonderful moments as well. Can't have this blog be all negativity now can I?

Here's Cam taking his first bath last night. He seemed to really like it! Note to mom and dad though: wait a little longer before using soap, even gentle soap. The poor guy has dry skin everywhere today. Still, he had a good time. :)


















in the water!















cozy and content after my bath :)

the evil bottle

Camden has taken to crying whenever I try to get him on the boob or burp him in the middle of his feeding. "They" say that babies will latch when they're ready (my eye!!!) and that you should keep trying. People I know tried for months, saw 20 lactation consultants etc, etc. But some of these friends also had their husbands home with them for a long period of time. Brian's back at work already and I need to keep my sanity. So here's where we are.

"They" say you're supposed to try to get the baby on the boob and if he really fusses, give him a little bit of milk from whatever method you're using (at this point, he's getting a bottle), burp him and then try again. This worked somewhat for awhile. We'd take the edge off and he'd latch sometimes. These days, not so much.

He knows the process now and he aint buying what I'm selling. He literally sees my put the burp cloth over my shoulder, I swear he looks at it, and then starts screaming before I even pick him up to burp him. On the one hand I think, "Aw, what a smart boy! He knows!" and on the other I'm like, "Damn you kid! I'm trying to help you out here. Do you want to be gassy?"

Then I try to get him to latch and he pushes away from the boob. For a 2 week old, he is one strong baby. He pushes and fusses and cries. Sometimes I get him on but most times not. These days it's less and less because I think the more he gets the bottle, why try the boob? That's the risk with supplementing and they say the bottle is the worst. But I cannot finger feed him every feeding by myself (even with Brian it was tough) and this cup thing everyone keeps talking about -- I just haven't had time to look into it.

So, I am now more focused on pumping than on getting him on the boob. My milk supply is still low and I'd rather get that up so I have breast milk to give him in the bottle than fight with him for an hour every feeding. I don't even know if my milk supply WILL go up much more so it is what it is at this point. I think we might have one more meeting with the lactation consultant but I really don't know what she's going to tell us. Not like she can make him go to the boob. I mean, it's not like he wants to latch and just can't. He plain 'ole doesn't want it now. Plus, I don't have milk gushing out of me either. It's a lose-lose situation.

It's funny though because these days, everyone makes you feel like you're a bad mother for not breastfeeding your baby. Like, I haven't tried hard enough or long enough or tried enough different methods. Even I feel like "it's only been 2 weeks" so maybe I'm giving up too soon. But let me tell you, 2 weeks of this is LONG. I can keep trying to get him on but the more time that goes by, the more he seems to get attached to the bottle. I'm conflicted. I feel bad for not being able to breastfeed but at the same time it doesn't do Camden or Brian or myself any good to be miserable for the next 3 months as I continue to push the issue.

They really should teach classes on the reality of breastfeeding vs. all this latch-technique crap. The reality of it is so much harder than anyone ever told me.

newborn necessities

When you're pregnant, they give you lists upon lists of stuff you'll need for baby. It's a bear to filter through and then you end up with some good buys, some crappy, and then a bunch of stuff you need immediately after baby that you don't have, and need to figure out how to take an hour to go out and get. Here's my list of stuff that we wished we had purchased pre-baby:

1. Baby mittens.
They seem silly when baby is still in the belly but are a real necessity. Babies have nails from birth and they are razor sharp. All babies scratch their face cause they aren't aware of their hands in the beginning. Mittens are a lifesaver. Now, if only they sold ones that actually stayed on...

2. Night lights.
After the first night home, we realized night lights are essential for midnight feedings and for being able to see the baby in the middle of the night when he makes a noise, or to just make sure he's still breathing (you know ALL first time parents do this!). We now have one in our room and one in the baby room.

3. Hand sanitizer, bottles of it.
In the hospital there are signs everywhere: "gel in, gel out." Clean hands ensure the baby doesn't get sick and with the countless visitors you'll likely have at your house to hold baby, easy-access hand sanitizers are key.

4. Nursing bras.
They warn you not to buy bras until after your milk comes in but by that time baby is here and who has time to go to the store to buy bras? Luckily, Brian stepped up to the plate and browsed the women's lingerie section at Target to find me some nursing bras. You'll need them for easy access as well as to clip on your breast pump if you plan on pumping.

5. Nursing tops.
Bras, check. But now what top to wear over it that provides easy boob access? I stand in my closet, stare at my clothes and am frustrated because I have two button down tops and maybe four others loose enough to pull down for boob exposure. I can only wear my G&M nursing tank tops so much before I get depressed. So, I went online and had to purchase a bunch of nursing tops from Gap and Old Navy. They should arrive in about 5 days. I'm pretty much screwed until then.

6. Cliff bars or other easy-to-grab snacks.
With baby and doc appointments and an endless list of other tasks and activities, eating falls to the bottom of the list. We just purchased a huge box of Cliff bars from Costco.

my shoes don't fit!!!

They say your feet can grow a half size bigger during pregnancy and sometimes never goes back. Please oh please let that not be what's happening with me. I've been out of the house a handful of times since Camden's been born -- mostly to doc appointments and for short little outings. Each time I try on a different pair of shoes hoping they will fit. They don't. :( I think my feet are still swollen though as my hands feel swollen too, so I'm hoping all the fluid just hasn't left my body yet and that's why my shoes don't fit.

So far, I've found one pair of shoes that I can get my feet into. They are black sketchers that are comfy walking-type shoes. Hey, at least it's something. But as fall approaches, I'm gonna need more covered shoes to wear. It's a real problem! Plus, it just flat out bums me out. If I have to get rid of ALL my shoes I will be so sad. Especially some of my heels that I love!

Then again, I suppose if all my shoes don't fit that just means I have to buy more...right?

Blogging makes me feel normal.

That's what I've realized. Between feeding and burping and feeding and changing diapers and feeding and washing bottles and feeding and comforting and feeding and trying to spend quality time with the baby, and did i mention feeding? I find that rambling on about stuff on this blog just makes me feel better. I'm actually using some brain cells (albeit, not a lot) and it's just nice to be doing something "grown up."

Right now, it's easier to keep posting entries cause my folks are here and can keep the baby occupied between all those damn feedings. We'll see how it goes once they leave and Brian's back at work. I have no idea how that will be! I just know I can and will get through it. :)

top 10 post-baby revelations

1. Breastfeeding is the hardest thing EVER.
Women say it all the time but it's impossible to grasp just how difficult breastfeeding is until you've tried it. You'd think it'd be simple -- baby hungry, milk, boob, done. Not even close. Babies have to learn to breastfeed, learn to suck efficiently, learn to latch. Mom's need adequate milk supply, the right positioning, the ability to accurately read baby's cues so he doesn't get upset or frustrated. It's insane. My problem was milk slow to come in and Camden hasn't really figured out how to latch and suck efficiently. The combination of the two has been overwhelming! We've done finger feeding and syringe boob feeding. Both are exhausting cause it takes two people. So Brian and I were up for every feeding and had to work together to get the syringe right. We were told to feed every 2 hours: 1) to get my milk up and 2) because the baby lost a little more than 10% of his birth weight and needed to gain it back. But feedings took forever and by the time time we were done feeding, we'd have to prep for the next one. It seriously was non-stop.

We met with a lactation consultant, I'm taking fenugreek (to increase milk supply) and things are getting better but it's slow going. Now we're doing bottle feeding to take the edge off and then I try to get him to latch. If he refuses after a few tries, we just let him finish off the bottle to make sure he keeps gaining weight. The bottle is supposedly also to help him get used to opening wide and sucking. (We started to notice he was getting WAY to dependent on sucking on our finger, even to sooth with the finger feeding method) There are different opinions on giving the bottle (the whole "nipple confusion" thing, etc.) but since doing so, I found that both baby and parents are much happier. We're no longer "forcing" him to latch and are no longer trying and feeding for an hour. Baby does latch occasionally so I'm hoping we're moving in the right direction and the bottle won't screw him up.

For anyone who wants a couple of good breastfeeding info sites we've found (Brian's done a TON of research -- he's been so great with all of this!) check out:

http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/back-to-breast.html
http://www.llli.org/

2. Lactation consultants are worth the money.
Ours came to the house. She was wonderful. She even gave us her cell number to ask follow up questions and was a great support when baby would not feed and was screaming his little head off. Lactation consultant, get one.

3. The term "sleep deprivation" doesn't even begin to cut it.
We may have made it harder on ourselves with the whole breastfeeding drama, but the first 8 days were horrible in terms of sleep. One night I was up with baby until 7am cause we kept feeding and putting him down but he would not sleep! He'd fuss and cry, and we're new parents so we're still figuring out what's bothering him. I've never been so exhausted in my life! These days, when my head hits the pillow, it's like a wave of exhaustion is engulfing me. I literally feel sleep pulling me down into oblivion. Deprivation? Please. They should call it the sleep abyss.

4. Hello, biceps!
Carrying, lifting, cradling, feeding...it makes sense that your arms would get tired after awhile. I mean, I am handling an almost 7 lb baby all day long. But I'm amazed at just how sore my biceps are. I mean, they hurt. So much so that it's hard to even stretch them out. Who needs to work out when you have a baby around?

5. Boobs are no longer sexy. They are just food.
After baby, I walk around the house half naked all the time. My boobs are just hanging out everywhere and I really don't care. Between feeding and pumping, and in the beginning sore, cracked and bleeding nipples (TMI, anyone?) putting on a top was just a pain in the ass extra step that I deemed unnecessary. My boobs just feel like tools rather than curves. They are just hard-t0-tap containers of food.

6. I LOVE my medela hands free pump!
This is by far the greatest thing about breastfeeding so far. At first I thought perhaps I splurged on an expensive pump that I didn't really need. Oh, I need it alright! I pump after every feeding for at least 10 minutes. This hands free one clips onto your nursing bra or top and has a battery operated pump that you strap around your waist. I can walk around, eat, wash bottles...in fact, I'm pumping as I type this! It is unbelievably convenient and I think, encourages milk flow. They say the more relaxed you are, the faster your milk will come in. Well, in the beginning when the pump battery wasn't charged enough I'd have to sit on the couch and pump. All I could do was continuously check the timer on the pump to see how much longer I had to sit there. Ten minutes seemed to take forever. But hands free, the time flies by and I'm able to not even think about my milk. The downside, I feel like Bruce Lee in Dragon with stuff strapped to him for his electric pulsating workout or like an alien/bionic woman all the time.

7. Ibuprofen is my friend.
I've never been one for taking medication unless I absolutely need it. That may partly be because meds affect me pretty drastically. I once took some drixoral when I had a cold and it made me loopy -- slurred speech and all. So, when I got home from he hospital I neglected to take my IB every 4-6 hours as recommended. I'd skip one or two without thinking about it and quickly realized that was a mistake! The pain from labor would creep back in and remind me that, yes, i did push a baby out of me. I now only have a few pills left in that bottle.

8. They should give out medals for swaddling.
Young babies love to be swaddled. That's what they teach you in every baby class and parents these days swear by it. It's supposed to mimic the feeling of the womb -- all nice, tight, warm and cozy. But let me tell you, a good swaddle takes practice! Especially when the person you're swaddling is fussy. Those make for the worst, loose swaddles. At first Brian was great at it, but then something happened and he's taken a turn for the worst. I started off being really bad at it, but found my swaddle groove and can usually turn out a good one. At this point, I'd say I'm a silver medal swaddler and Brian's a bronze. Now we just need to get to gold!

9. Crying is normal.
My friend Rae had a baby 3 weeks before me and told me about the nonstop crying. Her nurse told her it's normal for moms to cry a lot after baby is born. Your hormones are going nuts, your falling into the sleep abyss, physically and mentally recovering from labor and oh yeah, you have a newborn baby to take care of 24-7. Add it all together and the result is uncontrollable water works. I cry pretty much every day, sometimes twice a day. The reasons why vary though for me, most were breastfeeding related. My eyes are so puffy and swollen most of the time and what does that do? Makes me want to cry more because it's yet another thing that's screwed up. Ai yai yai!

10. This baby will probably break me. :)
It's an ongoing joke amongst my close friends that I'm "dead inside." I'm not one of those girls who cries at movies or weddings or funerals. I'm not nice if I don't wanna be (where Brian's always nice so it's a good balance!) I pretty much tell you how it is (which can sometimes get me in trouble) and I'm actually proud to be "dead inside." It's just me. But being a mom is so different than anything else I've experienced. I love the baby unconditionally and of course, feel total responsible for his well being. I cried both times the baby had to have blood drawn from his heel for tests. The nurse pokes his heel and extracts the blood. Camden screams like I've never heard him scream before and there's nothing I can do about it. He needs to have it done, I know exactly why he's screaming and I have to just sit back and watch it go down. I can't help myself. I cried both times. While I do not intend to turn into some weepy mommy, I can tell...this baby is definitely gonna break me.