the evil bottle

Camden has taken to crying whenever I try to get him on the boob or burp him in the middle of his feeding. "They" say that babies will latch when they're ready (my eye!!!) and that you should keep trying. People I know tried for months, saw 20 lactation consultants etc, etc. But some of these friends also had their husbands home with them for a long period of time. Brian's back at work already and I need to keep my sanity. So here's where we are.

"They" say you're supposed to try to get the baby on the boob and if he really fusses, give him a little bit of milk from whatever method you're using (at this point, he's getting a bottle), burp him and then try again. This worked somewhat for awhile. We'd take the edge off and he'd latch sometimes. These days, not so much.

He knows the process now and he aint buying what I'm selling. He literally sees my put the burp cloth over my shoulder, I swear he looks at it, and then starts screaming before I even pick him up to burp him. On the one hand I think, "Aw, what a smart boy! He knows!" and on the other I'm like, "Damn you kid! I'm trying to help you out here. Do you want to be gassy?"

Then I try to get him to latch and he pushes away from the boob. For a 2 week old, he is one strong baby. He pushes and fusses and cries. Sometimes I get him on but most times not. These days it's less and less because I think the more he gets the bottle, why try the boob? That's the risk with supplementing and they say the bottle is the worst. But I cannot finger feed him every feeding by myself (even with Brian it was tough) and this cup thing everyone keeps talking about -- I just haven't had time to look into it.

So, I am now more focused on pumping than on getting him on the boob. My milk supply is still low and I'd rather get that up so I have breast milk to give him in the bottle than fight with him for an hour every feeding. I don't even know if my milk supply WILL go up much more so it is what it is at this point. I think we might have one more meeting with the lactation consultant but I really don't know what she's going to tell us. Not like she can make him go to the boob. I mean, it's not like he wants to latch and just can't. He plain 'ole doesn't want it now. Plus, I don't have milk gushing out of me either. It's a lose-lose situation.

It's funny though because these days, everyone makes you feel like you're a bad mother for not breastfeeding your baby. Like, I haven't tried hard enough or long enough or tried enough different methods. Even I feel like "it's only been 2 weeks" so maybe I'm giving up too soon. But let me tell you, 2 weeks of this is LONG. I can keep trying to get him on but the more time that goes by, the more he seems to get attached to the bottle. I'm conflicted. I feel bad for not being able to breastfeed but at the same time it doesn't do Camden or Brian or myself any good to be miserable for the next 3 months as I continue to push the issue.

They really should teach classes on the reality of breastfeeding vs. all this latch-technique crap. The reality of it is so much harder than anyone ever told me.