motherhood is about planning and multi-tasking.

That is today's revelation. Not profound by any means, but today was my first real day all on my own with zero help. And it was a good test because I had to put real clothes and get Cam ready and out the door for his circumcision in the afternoon. I'm still figuring out my daily routine, but I'm starting to get into a nice groove. Here's how my schedule went today:

1:45am - 2:45am -- Change diaper, feed baby, swaddle baby, soothe baby (many nights, this takes awhile! He's fussy at this feeding a lot of times. Sometimes I have to soothe him for 30 min to an hour), pump (As I'm doing now! This is my 1-2am daily routine. I also use the time I have to pump at this hour to write blog posts), clean pump accessories and feeding bottle, store breast milk, prepare water/milk for Brian's next feeding.

4:30am -- Brian changes diaper, feeds baby, swaddles baby, soothes baby back to sleep and prepares water/milk and pumping equipment for my next feeding. Then he goes to work.

7:15am -- Sometimes if I'm not too tired, I get up and pump. Since I'm on my own, I need to pump at every chance I get and of course when baby's sleeping it's the best time. Who knows how he'll be AFTER this feeding. So, I try to do 10 mins here.

7:45am-8:45am -- Change diaper, feed baby, swaddle baby, soothe baby, pump again for another 10 minutes. Longer if I missed the above pump. Clean pump stuff and feeding bottle. Go back to sleep!! This has been key. Sleeping this extra hour or so saves me.

10:00am -- Anticipate that baby will probably need to be fed around 10:45. Change clothes, get ready, put on makeup (makeup!) all while pumping. Rush downstairs to clean pumping accessories, make formula and quickly get back upstairs before baby sets off his "cry alarm." Success!

10:45am -- Change diaper, feed baby (do you see a pattern here??), swaddle baby. After this feeding Cam is usually up. Go downstairs, put baby down in Pack 'n Play. I've been experimenting with what to do with him at this point in the day. On other days, I don't wake up before he does to pump so I try to pump at this point while making breakfast. When my folks were here, I'd hand him off to one of them to hold. No such back up anymore. So, I've been putting him down and running the mobile that plays music above him to keep him distracted. Then, I hurry to eat some cereal, down my fenugreek and other supplements with some OJ and as of today, make coffee.

10:55am -- Camden has been a good boy (the last two days anyway!) and doesn't fuss too much for these 10 minutes. I go get him and take him to the living room.

10:55-12:00pm -- Unswaddle baby. Cam's been consistently up for about an hour at this time of day. I've been doing some "tummy time" and hanging out with him here. Put him on his tummy to strengthen his neck. He's getting better at it! Then, he starts to get a little fussy cause he gets tired. Rock baby to sleep. Once asleep, I put him in his jumper. Right now, he hates being in that thing otherwise.

12:00-12:50pm -- Get all his stuff ready for our day out. Put formula and water in diaper bag, make sure I have extra diapers, burp cloth, swaddle blanket, wipes, tylenol drops (for after circ), circ forms and a bunch of other stuff that I can't recall at the moment. Do all this while pumping. Then clean pumping accessories, bottles, etc. Sigh.

12:50pm -- Cam starts stirring. Perfect! Diaper change, feed and dress him to go outside.

1:15pm -- Get him in car seat and we're off!

2:00pm -- Pick Brian up at work.

2:15pm -- Arrive at Swedish for circumcision. On time and everything!

From here on out it was back to a tag team effort with Brian. Thank goodness. I seriously do not think I could do this all on my own. I am thankful for my husband every day.

But I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself. Like I said, today is the first day I really felt like a mom. :)

Yes, I can do this.

Today is the first day that I really felt like a mom. Yesterday and today have been good days in the sense that I feel more in control of my life with baby. Partly, I think my hormones have leveled off, partly I've been talking to my girlfriends more (and have been reassured that they too cried every day with their kids and felt crazy and went though the exact same feelings I'm going through), and I've also been taking a little more time for myself, which is huge.

I'm still tired and it's still hard, but I feel more normal. I'm also pissed at all those moms out there who say things like, "Oh, you'll love every moment!" Really?? That is a load of crap. There is no way that you loved trying to soothe your baby at 2am when you're dead tired and he's crying his little head off. Do you love your child every moment? Yes. But you do NOT love every moment with child. Sometimes you think, "What the heck did I get myself into?" And then you feel guilty about thinking such things. And then you feel like you're a bad mom. And then you cry.

That is the realistic cycle of things. So those moms who keep spreading this lie of "it's all so wonderful!" to unsuspecting moms-to-be...STOP IT! Thank you.

like father, like son

Oh, man. This kid is screwed.

i. am. not crazy....am i?

Day 20 and motherhood is still a major adjustment. I'm sort of getting used to the lack of sleep and have even started to be able to block out some of the crying. (I've found you sort of need to be immune to it to some extent) But while I'm not weepy every day anymore, it still hits on occasion. Today was a bad one. I'm not sure what set it off -- a bunch of little things compounding, I suppose. The ever popular sleep abyss, more fussiness on Camden's part (apparently this is common around his age), Brian working a lot, me hardly ever leaving this damn house, the incessant pumping, and my clothes, shoes and wedding ring not fitting me yet -- it can all just be too much at times. So I'm upset and I cry, and Brian wants to help but can't so we get annoyed with each other and have a bad day. I mean, he's tired too and he wants to "fix the problem" (typical guy response) while I want him to listen to me and be supportive (typical girl desire) which ultimately ends in a fight.

I know the hormones are exacerbating my feelings and crazy talk, but that's an intangible thing. So in the end, you do just feel plain 'ole crazy. From what I can gather, almost all mothers go through something like this. The problem is nobody ever TALKS about it. I suppose it's embarrassing or maybe moms just want to block the first 2 weeks out of their memories. I can relate to both. But I think it's a disservice to all future mothers out there to not talk about it. Moms-to-be, be prepared!!

Life after baby is hard. Damn hard.

babies should come with night vision goggles

Midnight feedings, diaper changes, swaddles, cuddles, pumping and getting downstairs to wash bottles...all of this is pretty much done in the dark. Night lights help for sure, but a combination of fear of waking baby up (most directly related to the swaddles and cuddles) and plain old exhaustion means you can barely see the hands in front of your face as you attempt the above said tasks. My eyesight must be deteriorating by the millisecond as I strain to see through the blackness every night. Brian has made a similar comment which made me think that along with the "baby owners manual" we all talk about, it's too bad baby also doesn't come with night vision goggles.

goldilocks and the one baby

It's a constant challenge to try and keep Camden at a perfect temperature. With Fall upon us in Seattle, the days are in the 60s and the nights have been dropping to the 30s. Pre-baby, we would have kept the heat off until a little later in the year and just bundled up in sweaters (central heating costs money!) but post-baby the heat has been set to 71 degrees in the day and 60 at night for the last 2 weeks.

But even with that, Cam sometimes seems too hot or too cold and all we want is for him to be just right. In the day, we dress him in onesies with a long sleeved top over it (or just a long sleeved onesie) and socks to keep his feet warm. The thought is to help him understand day from night by only putting him in snuggly sleepers at night, you know, when it's sleepy time. He's carried for part of the day or in blankets to keep warm anyway. Plus, what's the point of having all these onesies if we don't use them?

At night, he's in a sleeper and swaddled. But lately, that doesn't seem to be enough. I hear him in his bassinet with a quivering kind of breathing like he's shivering. Sometimes I even see him shiver and am sure he's cold. This usually happens when I'm changing his diaper or clothes. It's actually kinda cute! He puts his hands in fists in front of his chest, elbows down, and kind of shakes his hands and arms back and forth. Poor guy. Last night, I could hear him fuss and couldn't sleep cause I thought he was cold. "I should have double swaddled him," I thought. But he was fussy after his 1:30am feeding (as per usual) and getting him in one swaddle before he cried bloody murder was hard enough. So, I got up and went into the baby room where we have a space heater. We bought one a week ago to put in there for midnight feedings. I unplugged it, carried it to our bedroom, set it up and voila! Warmer room and hopefully happier baby.

At other times though, Camden seems too hot. When my parents were here, my dad loved to hold the baby and cover him in multiple blankets. The Hawaii folk that they are, they thought it was extra cold in Seattle and therefore the baby must be freezing. But double blankets plus body heat = one hot, seemingly even sweaty baby. He'd be all red and warm and I started googling whether or not you can overheat a baby. Apparently, it'd be quite difficult unless you've been baking in the blazing sun for awhile, but possible. I stand by my neurotic web search as still valid.

I swear, I feel like Goldilocks trying to regulate the perfect baby temperature. All I need is some porridge.

wipes, wipes and more wipes

Good thing we bought that Costco Kirkland pack of baby wipes. Not only do we change 10+ diapers a day, but we reach for those wipes like they're going out of style. I'm not sure why. I think partly we worry that if the wipe is too dirty we'll give the little man an infection if we continue to touch him with the same one. Or maybe we just don't want to accidentally have any poop come in direct contact with our hands so we wipe once or twice, toss and reach for another wipe.

Whatever it is, we have already gone through 3 packs of 100 wipes! Oh well. At least Camden's got a clean bottom.