happy birthday, daddy!

B's 31st birthday was yesterday. Peeps over for steak, mom's mac salad, chicken, Coco's carrot cake and baskin and robbins ice cream cake. Yum.

Camden was awake toward the end of the evening so he got in some good time with his uncles and aunties. Aunty Kainoa's birthday is today so we celebrated both. Great to see everyone! Thanks for coming over.





happy birthday to you both!



the gang



i actually like the candid better.



awwww, aunty kainoa. :)



grandma and grandpa

don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

While there have been challenges, there are wonderful moments as well. Can't have this blog be all negativity now can I?

Here's Cam taking his first bath last night. He seemed to really like it! Note to mom and dad though: wait a little longer before using soap, even gentle soap. The poor guy has dry skin everywhere today. Still, he had a good time. :)


















in the water!















cozy and content after my bath :)

the evil bottle

Camden has taken to crying whenever I try to get him on the boob or burp him in the middle of his feeding. "They" say that babies will latch when they're ready (my eye!!!) and that you should keep trying. People I know tried for months, saw 20 lactation consultants etc, etc. But some of these friends also had their husbands home with them for a long period of time. Brian's back at work already and I need to keep my sanity. So here's where we are.

"They" say you're supposed to try to get the baby on the boob and if he really fusses, give him a little bit of milk from whatever method you're using (at this point, he's getting a bottle), burp him and then try again. This worked somewhat for awhile. We'd take the edge off and he'd latch sometimes. These days, not so much.

He knows the process now and he aint buying what I'm selling. He literally sees my put the burp cloth over my shoulder, I swear he looks at it, and then starts screaming before I even pick him up to burp him. On the one hand I think, "Aw, what a smart boy! He knows!" and on the other I'm like, "Damn you kid! I'm trying to help you out here. Do you want to be gassy?"

Then I try to get him to latch and he pushes away from the boob. For a 2 week old, he is one strong baby. He pushes and fusses and cries. Sometimes I get him on but most times not. These days it's less and less because I think the more he gets the bottle, why try the boob? That's the risk with supplementing and they say the bottle is the worst. But I cannot finger feed him every feeding by myself (even with Brian it was tough) and this cup thing everyone keeps talking about -- I just haven't had time to look into it.

So, I am now more focused on pumping than on getting him on the boob. My milk supply is still low and I'd rather get that up so I have breast milk to give him in the bottle than fight with him for an hour every feeding. I don't even know if my milk supply WILL go up much more so it is what it is at this point. I think we might have one more meeting with the lactation consultant but I really don't know what she's going to tell us. Not like she can make him go to the boob. I mean, it's not like he wants to latch and just can't. He plain 'ole doesn't want it now. Plus, I don't have milk gushing out of me either. It's a lose-lose situation.

It's funny though because these days, everyone makes you feel like you're a bad mother for not breastfeeding your baby. Like, I haven't tried hard enough or long enough or tried enough different methods. Even I feel like "it's only been 2 weeks" so maybe I'm giving up too soon. But let me tell you, 2 weeks of this is LONG. I can keep trying to get him on but the more time that goes by, the more he seems to get attached to the bottle. I'm conflicted. I feel bad for not being able to breastfeed but at the same time it doesn't do Camden or Brian or myself any good to be miserable for the next 3 months as I continue to push the issue.

They really should teach classes on the reality of breastfeeding vs. all this latch-technique crap. The reality of it is so much harder than anyone ever told me.

newborn necessities

When you're pregnant, they give you lists upon lists of stuff you'll need for baby. It's a bear to filter through and then you end up with some good buys, some crappy, and then a bunch of stuff you need immediately after baby that you don't have, and need to figure out how to take an hour to go out and get. Here's my list of stuff that we wished we had purchased pre-baby:

1. Baby mittens.
They seem silly when baby is still in the belly but are a real necessity. Babies have nails from birth and they are razor sharp. All babies scratch their face cause they aren't aware of their hands in the beginning. Mittens are a lifesaver. Now, if only they sold ones that actually stayed on...

2. Night lights.
After the first night home, we realized night lights are essential for midnight feedings and for being able to see the baby in the middle of the night when he makes a noise, or to just make sure he's still breathing (you know ALL first time parents do this!). We now have one in our room and one in the baby room.

3. Hand sanitizer, bottles of it.
In the hospital there are signs everywhere: "gel in, gel out." Clean hands ensure the baby doesn't get sick and with the countless visitors you'll likely have at your house to hold baby, easy-access hand sanitizers are key.

4. Nursing bras.
They warn you not to buy bras until after your milk comes in but by that time baby is here and who has time to go to the store to buy bras? Luckily, Brian stepped up to the plate and browsed the women's lingerie section at Target to find me some nursing bras. You'll need them for easy access as well as to clip on your breast pump if you plan on pumping.

5. Nursing tops.
Bras, check. But now what top to wear over it that provides easy boob access? I stand in my closet, stare at my clothes and am frustrated because I have two button down tops and maybe four others loose enough to pull down for boob exposure. I can only wear my G&M nursing tank tops so much before I get depressed. So, I went online and had to purchase a bunch of nursing tops from Gap and Old Navy. They should arrive in about 5 days. I'm pretty much screwed until then.

6. Cliff bars or other easy-to-grab snacks.
With baby and doc appointments and an endless list of other tasks and activities, eating falls to the bottom of the list. We just purchased a huge box of Cliff bars from Costco.

my shoes don't fit!!!

They say your feet can grow a half size bigger during pregnancy and sometimes never goes back. Please oh please let that not be what's happening with me. I've been out of the house a handful of times since Camden's been born -- mostly to doc appointments and for short little outings. Each time I try on a different pair of shoes hoping they will fit. They don't. :( I think my feet are still swollen though as my hands feel swollen too, so I'm hoping all the fluid just hasn't left my body yet and that's why my shoes don't fit.

So far, I've found one pair of shoes that I can get my feet into. They are black sketchers that are comfy walking-type shoes. Hey, at least it's something. But as fall approaches, I'm gonna need more covered shoes to wear. It's a real problem! Plus, it just flat out bums me out. If I have to get rid of ALL my shoes I will be so sad. Especially some of my heels that I love!

Then again, I suppose if all my shoes don't fit that just means I have to buy more...right?

Blogging makes me feel normal.

That's what I've realized. Between feeding and burping and feeding and changing diapers and feeding and washing bottles and feeding and comforting and feeding and trying to spend quality time with the baby, and did i mention feeding? I find that rambling on about stuff on this blog just makes me feel better. I'm actually using some brain cells (albeit, not a lot) and it's just nice to be doing something "grown up."

Right now, it's easier to keep posting entries cause my folks are here and can keep the baby occupied between all those damn feedings. We'll see how it goes once they leave and Brian's back at work. I have no idea how that will be! I just know I can and will get through it. :)

top 10 post-baby revelations

1. Breastfeeding is the hardest thing EVER.
Women say it all the time but it's impossible to grasp just how difficult breastfeeding is until you've tried it. You'd think it'd be simple -- baby hungry, milk, boob, done. Not even close. Babies have to learn to breastfeed, learn to suck efficiently, learn to latch. Mom's need adequate milk supply, the right positioning, the ability to accurately read baby's cues so he doesn't get upset or frustrated. It's insane. My problem was milk slow to come in and Camden hasn't really figured out how to latch and suck efficiently. The combination of the two has been overwhelming! We've done finger feeding and syringe boob feeding. Both are exhausting cause it takes two people. So Brian and I were up for every feeding and had to work together to get the syringe right. We were told to feed every 2 hours: 1) to get my milk up and 2) because the baby lost a little more than 10% of his birth weight and needed to gain it back. But feedings took forever and by the time time we were done feeding, we'd have to prep for the next one. It seriously was non-stop.

We met with a lactation consultant, I'm taking fenugreek (to increase milk supply) and things are getting better but it's slow going. Now we're doing bottle feeding to take the edge off and then I try to get him to latch. If he refuses after a few tries, we just let him finish off the bottle to make sure he keeps gaining weight. The bottle is supposedly also to help him get used to opening wide and sucking. (We started to notice he was getting WAY to dependent on sucking on our finger, even to sooth with the finger feeding method) There are different opinions on giving the bottle (the whole "nipple confusion" thing, etc.) but since doing so, I found that both baby and parents are much happier. We're no longer "forcing" him to latch and are no longer trying and feeding for an hour. Baby does latch occasionally so I'm hoping we're moving in the right direction and the bottle won't screw him up.

For anyone who wants a couple of good breastfeeding info sites we've found (Brian's done a TON of research -- he's been so great with all of this!) check out:

http://kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/back-to-breast.html
http://www.llli.org/

2. Lactation consultants are worth the money.
Ours came to the house. She was wonderful. She even gave us her cell number to ask follow up questions and was a great support when baby would not feed and was screaming his little head off. Lactation consultant, get one.

3. The term "sleep deprivation" doesn't even begin to cut it.
We may have made it harder on ourselves with the whole breastfeeding drama, but the first 8 days were horrible in terms of sleep. One night I was up with baby until 7am cause we kept feeding and putting him down but he would not sleep! He'd fuss and cry, and we're new parents so we're still figuring out what's bothering him. I've never been so exhausted in my life! These days, when my head hits the pillow, it's like a wave of exhaustion is engulfing me. I literally feel sleep pulling me down into oblivion. Deprivation? Please. They should call it the sleep abyss.

4. Hello, biceps!
Carrying, lifting, cradling, feeding...it makes sense that your arms would get tired after awhile. I mean, I am handling an almost 7 lb baby all day long. But I'm amazed at just how sore my biceps are. I mean, they hurt. So much so that it's hard to even stretch them out. Who needs to work out when you have a baby around?

5. Boobs are no longer sexy. They are just food.
After baby, I walk around the house half naked all the time. My boobs are just hanging out everywhere and I really don't care. Between feeding and pumping, and in the beginning sore, cracked and bleeding nipples (TMI, anyone?) putting on a top was just a pain in the ass extra step that I deemed unnecessary. My boobs just feel like tools rather than curves. They are just hard-t0-tap containers of food.

6. I LOVE my medela hands free pump!
This is by far the greatest thing about breastfeeding so far. At first I thought perhaps I splurged on an expensive pump that I didn't really need. Oh, I need it alright! I pump after every feeding for at least 10 minutes. This hands free one clips onto your nursing bra or top and has a battery operated pump that you strap around your waist. I can walk around, eat, wash bottles...in fact, I'm pumping as I type this! It is unbelievably convenient and I think, encourages milk flow. They say the more relaxed you are, the faster your milk will come in. Well, in the beginning when the pump battery wasn't charged enough I'd have to sit on the couch and pump. All I could do was continuously check the timer on the pump to see how much longer I had to sit there. Ten minutes seemed to take forever. But hands free, the time flies by and I'm able to not even think about my milk. The downside, I feel like Bruce Lee in Dragon with stuff strapped to him for his electric pulsating workout or like an alien/bionic woman all the time.

7. Ibuprofen is my friend.
I've never been one for taking medication unless I absolutely need it. That may partly be because meds affect me pretty drastically. I once took some drixoral when I had a cold and it made me loopy -- slurred speech and all. So, when I got home from he hospital I neglected to take my IB every 4-6 hours as recommended. I'd skip one or two without thinking about it and quickly realized that was a mistake! The pain from labor would creep back in and remind me that, yes, i did push a baby out of me. I now only have a few pills left in that bottle.

8. They should give out medals for swaddling.
Young babies love to be swaddled. That's what they teach you in every baby class and parents these days swear by it. It's supposed to mimic the feeling of the womb -- all nice, tight, warm and cozy. But let me tell you, a good swaddle takes practice! Especially when the person you're swaddling is fussy. Those make for the worst, loose swaddles. At first Brian was great at it, but then something happened and he's taken a turn for the worst. I started off being really bad at it, but found my swaddle groove and can usually turn out a good one. At this point, I'd say I'm a silver medal swaddler and Brian's a bronze. Now we just need to get to gold!

9. Crying is normal.
My friend Rae had a baby 3 weeks before me and told me about the nonstop crying. Her nurse told her it's normal for moms to cry a lot after baby is born. Your hormones are going nuts, your falling into the sleep abyss, physically and mentally recovering from labor and oh yeah, you have a newborn baby to take care of 24-7. Add it all together and the result is uncontrollable water works. I cry pretty much every day, sometimes twice a day. The reasons why vary though for me, most were breastfeeding related. My eyes are so puffy and swollen most of the time and what does that do? Makes me want to cry more because it's yet another thing that's screwed up. Ai yai yai!

10. This baby will probably break me. :)
It's an ongoing joke amongst my close friends that I'm "dead inside." I'm not one of those girls who cries at movies or weddings or funerals. I'm not nice if I don't wanna be (where Brian's always nice so it's a good balance!) I pretty much tell you how it is (which can sometimes get me in trouble) and I'm actually proud to be "dead inside." It's just me. But being a mom is so different than anything else I've experienced. I love the baby unconditionally and of course, feel total responsible for his well being. I cried both times the baby had to have blood drawn from his heel for tests. The nurse pokes his heel and extracts the blood. Camden screams like I've never heard him scream before and there's nothing I can do about it. He needs to have it done, I know exactly why he's screaming and I have to just sit back and watch it go down. I can't help myself. I cried both times. While I do not intend to turn into some weepy mommy, I can tell...this baby is definitely gonna break me.