potty training 101

Let me start by saying potty training SUCKS. Definitely ranks up there as one of my least favorite parts of mommyhood. Not only is it incredibly frustrating, it is unbelievably disgusting and if I could avoid it, I would! But it's a dirty job that someone has to do, and that someone unfortunately, is me.

Let me also say that when I first started potty training Camden, I scoured the internet trying to find an easy "how to" guide that has proven to work for folks. Now, you can find practically anything on the internet. But for some reason, parents seem to not want to share their potty training secrets! I even found this evil lady who promises to potty train your child in "3 days flat" all for the "reasonable" price of $37! My favorite marketing line of her intriguing ploy is: The one question you must ALWAYS ask your child within the first 15 minutes of starting to potty train them.

OMG what IS that one question?? I want to know it! She almost had me with that one. Evil.

I did find a few articles that gave general, so-so tips on potty training. And then I talked to some mommies about it and got their take, but for the most part it's the same line of "every child is different." And that definitely is true; it's the diabolical curse of parenting that keeps you on your toes. In anything and everything, what works for one child may not work for another. Still, for the life of me, I could not find a single blog post, article, chat room conversation where a mother spelled out EXACTLY what she did to potty train her child. Well, no more! Here is my detailed experience of how I attempted to potty train Camden.

My disclaimer: I in no way proclaim that what I'm about to say is right or based in any kind of research and/or expertise. It's how I did it just cause I felt like it. Take it or leave it, people.

My theory: The general consensus to wait til your child shows signs of readiness is spot on. See if they show interest, can pee on command at times, talk about it, etc. -- your kid definitely has to be ready. At the same time though, I personally believe we wait a little too long to potty train these days. Most parents I know train their kids at about 3. There is NOTHING wrong with that, but I think a little earlier can be better. At 2, I think most kids are ready and pliable in the sense that they still listen when told to do things for the most part. By 3, kids are more set in their ways and are pushing boundaries of control much more which, I think, makes potty training more difficult. But that's just my opinion. (Others believe in elimination communication which I think is just plain inconvenient and would stress me out more than anything else. But check it out if you're so inclined.) Me? I trained Camden when he was 2 years and 1 month.

My method: And here we go.
Two weeks before officially training, I would put Camden on his new Elmo potty and see if he could pee on command. I chose a potty that went on the toilet vs one that stood on its own cause in my opinion, he'll have to go on the toilet eventually so why create another step? So, every once in while (probably once every couple days to start, then every day toward the end of the 2 weeks -- there really wasn't a rhyme or reason, just more when it occurred to me to try), I'd take his diaper off and see if he'd pee. And he could!

I decided to start his training on a Saturday to give myself the weekend to lock us in the house and see what happened. I bought him Toy Story and Mickey underwear and all day Friday I told him how he was going to say bye bye to his diaper and get to wear big boy Mickey underwear! He seemed excited about it although I doubt he heard anything more than "Mickey."

Day 1: Saturday morning
Woke him up and told him to say bye bye to diaper! He's a big boy who can pee on the potty now! Put on the underwear and off we went. Oh, I forgot to mention that I opted to not do pull ups as I heard from other mommies that they hinder training cause your child feels dry when they have an accident. Made sense to me, so underwear it was.

This was the most FRUSTRATING DAY EVER. We stayed in the house all day long and I kept telling Cam that he was to pee on the potty and not "wet" (I picked that word at first cause I read somewhere a key word was helpful) Mickey. If I put him on the potty, he would pee no problem. But he did not at all get that he needed to tell me when he had to go. I swear, he literally had 10 accidents that day and we went through 10 pairs of underwear and pants. The good thing was that he was peeing so much that each pee was pretty minimal; his pants would soak up most of the pee which made for easy clean up. But it was incredibly taxing on mommy. Partly, I think I felt like this wasn't working and I had no clue what I was doing. I also started second guessing whether he really was ready. And I was just SO tired of failure after failure.

They say not to show that you're upset when your child has an accident. So, I'd quietly clean it up and then gently remind him again not to get Mickey wet. Cam would nod and seem to understand until he wet himself again an hour later. By the time he went to bed, I felt like I needed a big drink.

Day 2: Sunday morning
Same drill, underwear on and the training continues. But this day, I changed my strategy and instead of just waiting for Cam to tell me when he needed to go, I started putting him on the potty every hour or so. He'd pee whenever I put him on and it made for way less accidents. Hallelujah! We had an event to go to that afternoon at a park. I read somewhere that you want to take your child out on day 2 to show him that if he pees on the potty, he can then go somewhere. Sort of making the connection of peeing before getting into a car. Also made sense to me, so I decided to give it a go. I figured since we were going to a park, an accident wouldn't be the end of the world -- heck, we're outdoors. I was more worried about him peeing IN the car, so I put a folded hand towel on his car seat to help soften the blow, so to speak.

Off we went! Wasn't a very far drive but anything further than 10 steps to a restroom seemed far at this point. We got the park, hung out with friends and Cam held his pee in for a good 2 hours! When it was time to leave and we put him in the car seat, he miraculously told me he had to pee!! We weren't far from a friend's house, so I asked Cam if he could hold it and he said yes. I kept telling him the whole way, "Hold it, now. You don't want to wet Mickey!" And somehow, he did! We got to my friend's house and he peed on the potty. Woohoo!!!

Side note on rewards: Initially, we didn't give Cam stickers or candy when he went potty. He just got a big applause and lots of praise.

Day 3 and the weeks to follow: That was too easy.
Yes as a matter of fact, it was. In the weeks to come, I would continue to put Cam on the potty every hour or two to avoid accidents. My parents would do the same when they babysat for consistency. He'd have an accident here and there, but nothing major -- he seemed to be doing well! He'd tell us when he'd have to go sometimes, but other times not. Accidents happened.

Then, I started trying to wait for him to tell me when he had to go vs putting him on the potty all the time. More accidents. Cam really does not care if he's wet. He will pee in his underwear and just go about his business. But slowly, he started to make an upswing in learning and go a few days with a combination of telling me when he had to pee and me putting him on from time to time. Progress, right? Sort of.

In recent weeks, Cam has taken to NOT wanting to "pee yet," as he says. We'll ask him if wants to pee potty and he says, "I don't want to pee yet." Sometimes, he's right. I've put him on the potty anyway while he complains about it and he really doesn't have to pee (very little comes out). Other times though, he DOES have to go and has a major accident. This seems to be happening more and more!

He's at point now though, where we can't go back. It's been almost 3 months since we first put him in underwear and we can't go back to diapers now. Plus, Camden definitely knows how to pee on the potty and is just exerting his authority to choose when he wants to go.

Pooping on the potty:
I realize I've only been talking about peeing. Pooping is a whole other ballgame! Cam is one of those kids who not only doesn't care if his underwear is wet, he also doesn't care if he poops in his underwear either. I hear of some kids who refuse to poop in anything but their diaper and will hold it in forever. Not my son! He will just poop it out and then continue playing with poop soaking through his Mickey drawers. BUT, if I catch him doing his poop face and put him on the potty, he has absolutely no problem pooping on the potty. This actually frustrates me more, because I know he can do it! He will also sometimes tell me that he has to poop. This has happened multiple times and once, he even told us he had to go while in his car seat and held it until we got to a bathroom! It baffles me, really.

The last couple of days, he's been pooping in his underwear a lot. I'll even ask him if he has to poop, he'll say no, and then two minutes later I'm washing poop off his underwear and starting to lose my cool. So, what's our next step?

M&Ms:
To help move the process along, we've resorted to giving Camden M&M's as a reward for peeing and pooping on the potty. 1 M&M for pee, 2 for poop. It worked like a charm for awhile! It still works, but accidents abound and I must admit, I'm somewhat at a loss as to what to do next.

Time outs:
So, today I started to implement time outs when I believe his accident really wasn't an accident. I know everyone says you can't punish your toddler for having accidents cause they can't help it. Many compare it to learning to walk -- you'd never punish your child for falling down when learning to walk. Potty training, supposedly is the same thing. It's a learning process and you shouldn't punish your child for "falling down." But it's been 3 months and I KNOW Camden is fully aware of what he needs to be doing and how to do it. He KNOWS how to pee and poop on the potty and also knows that he should tell us when he has to go.

This doesn't mean that any time he has an accident that he goes to time out. Of course, accidents happen for years and I understand that. If he's immersed in playing or simply forgets, I tell him it's okay and accidents happen. BUT, when I specifically ask him if he has to go potty and he tells me "no" over and over, then pees all over the carpet? My new strategy is to put him in time out and see what happens. It's possible that this strategy will backfire and he will have more accidents because I'm making potty training a bad experience. I'm desperately hoping that is not the case cause then I'll feel like the worse mother in the world. But I honestly feel like those situations, including when he poops in his underwear (cause pooping takes more time and effort so he KNOWS exactly what he's doing when he poops in his pants) are conscious on his part.

Take this morning, for example. This incident is what made me decide to try time outs. Cam was playing in our hall closet; hiding cause he thinks it's fun. I kept checking on him and asking him if he had to go potty. He, of course, said no.

Me: "Okay, if you pee in that closet and have an accident, you're going to time out. You sure you don't have to pee potty?"

Cam: "No."

Me: "If you pee, you're going to time out."

Cam: "Okay."

Two minutes later, I open the closet door and there's Cam with a rag he found in the closet trying to wipe himself. He had pee'd and KNEW he'd get in trouble so he was trying to wipe up the evidence! Part of me wanted to laugh, but what really clicked then and there was that Camden is a smart kid and knows exactly what he's doing. If he's capable of trying to cover up a mistake, he should be held accountable for his actions. After cleaning him up, he went to time out for 2 minutes.

After his time out, I asked him why he was there. He said "pee potty." I explained that it's okay to have accidents, but when I ask him if he has to go and he tells me no, then pees in his pants, that's not okay and he's going to go to time out.

The verdict: Still a work in progress
Maybe I'm a horrible mom who's scarring her son for life. God, I hope not but I'm out of options here. Some say kids finally learn when they go to preschool cause they're embarrassed when they have an accident in front of other kids. But if it's the trauma of embarrassment that does the trick, isn't that a negative association? Much like putting Cam in time out? Or maybe I'm just plain crazy.

Well, whatever the case and however you choose to potty train your child, the cliche is true: your child won't graduate from high school in diapers.

The end is near, even if I can't always see the light.